Well Im gonna start this off with my worse fear,its the dark,and just like little kids Im scared of whats in the dark,I feel something lurking and I feel it wants to take me away,the very few times I used to be in the dark,when I had a boyfriend in my life I used to see white shadows and I was always petrified that I'd wake up and a white face would be staring right at me,its weird because in the day time I see dark shadows but Im not afraid of them,I talk to them and say something like,,why dont you just show yourself instead of showing in the corner of my eye.I talk to spirits in my house all the time,they make me angry sometimes because I know damn well they are there yet wont show themselves fully,,but they still say Im not ready for them to materalize,and actually I think even though its people I know thats here..my friends and my step dad (dad) and other family,it would scare the life out of anyone just to see one of them materalize.Anyway when I was in Spain I was badly dehyrdrated and had sunstroke which made me go into convulsions,the doctors injected valuim and then thats when my nightmare started.I wanted to go to the toilet but I was scared as I saw a skeleton of a rams head,that scared me so much,I just had a feeling it was a bad omen,then I laid on the bed and as soon as I closed my eyes I could see demons and monsters and my grandad was floating above them all and said I needed to fight them all to be able to see him,I must have opened and shut my eyes 20 times through this fighting demons and then in the next bed was Trudie the club rep,she shouted at me,but it wasnt her voice,it was deep dark and not human,then all I remember after that was burying my head in the pillow and hearing my heartbeat so fast and coming out my chest and then it just stopped,,,nothing,I felt like I wa floating and could see my grandad at the end with a gleaming smile on his face,and he said your nearly here and then I opened my eyes and I was outside the cabin,I was looking for my grandad,and saying to everyone,,Im in Heaven,I believed I was in Heaven so much I made Trudie walk on her broken leg,,she had it in plaster and it was a right mess,,then a few reps took me up the top and sat down waiting for a taxi to take me to a doctors surgery,,whilst waiting I heard a voice in my head call my name,,I looked opposite me and Nick another rep was looking right at me,,so I said,,in my mind,,did you say that,,,he nodded.I was took to the doctors and then to a clinic,,I spoke to my mum,and it was then I realized I wasnt in Heaven,,I just cried my eyes out,,I wanted my mum,,soon after they sent me in the mental hosptial.
When my friends come back after the holiday I had a letter from Nick,the rep,he said I have a gift and I need to learn how to cope with it,,that sorta made me smile because it was some proof that it wasnt all mad crazy what I was going through,,he had his address and he said his mum would help me deal with my gift.Then my mum read the letter,,got scared,,and ripped it up.I havent stopped thinking about that holiday or Nick and what he and his mum could have taught me.It probably would have stopped years of self torment and being so frightened of the dark,,,but there was a reason for me going through that and theres reasons for what we all go through.
Ok well,,,2 weeks ago I wanted some smoke :/ bad I know.I smoked it and then after I was being contacted by the higher being,,I call him Jukey George,first time I see him was 1999 dancing in a pub and teaching me to dance,anyway George has his ways in showing me messages,before when I had messages like last week Ive been totally off this planet and end up being sectioned but last week was so different because I wasnt manic.Guidance is the key for letting them send messages,,if you let them guide you,,and your body,your senses then they will show you.I click certain things on the pc,Ive saved loads of documents in the past,,,I couldnt read them because I havent been able to read in 10 years,I havent the concentration,,until about 6 or 8 weeks ago I started reading a book,,,anyway they give me thoughts and like a deja_vu feeling and then I just start clicking in my documents,,I highlighted some writing in red,,,back then it didnt mean anything but last week it hit home,,,it was like what Ive been thinking in the last 10 years about who I am and why Im here,,I was actually reading,,with the deja_vu feeling,,without the weird feeling of the deja_vu,,so,,my assumption is,,,if I aint getting that weird feeling that comes with deja_vu,,my prayers/wishes/thoughts of being a good psychic has come true.They told me that I can hear them and Im on a level of their freqency like theres a vibration in certain thoughts that they pick up on and if you think something over and over again and its pure then they can intervene.People on earth dont or maybe do but realize they have to intervene with some people because they are saving the earth and some people want the earth saved,,several million or billion dont give a sh**.
I dont wanna be bigger or better than anyone else,,everyone is a person in my eyes,,everyone has their own goals and ambitions,,,well,,urmm,not everyone but those who do that is great,,and its great when they reach their goals.I sit and cry for joy when I see celebrities pick up awards,I sit and mourn those who die,,who I dont know,,I worry about certain celebrities MJ,Enimem,Britney and of course our Rob,,I cant get people I dont know out my head,,,I think this isnt a curse but a good thing to care and worry about those who are sad or troubled,,,its a good pure thought sent out.I was overjoyed to hear last week that Enimem is back on track and making a comeback and visiting UK...Pheww,,,he didnt do anything silly
My dreams and goals and ambitions as Ive said somewhere on this site are endless,,,like the universe,,,that is Eternal and I'll never stop dreaming and never stop wondering about people.
I want the 3rd world turned into The Garden Of Eden
I want to be the worlds most psychic person,,,for me,,Ive asked for that and I had to go insane to receive it.
I want to catch killers,,,I want innocent people that have been locked up out and the rightful criminal in.
I want people to laugh and smile
I want people to look forward to every moment in the future.
Hope!
Love!
I want to touch peoples hearts,,,the worlds.
I wanna help George and his people help our people.
I want others here to not judge but just to listen and maybe help me.
I and many alive and deceased wants JUSTICE!
Im a worm in the wood and someone glued the wood,,but I will get out
Thank you for reading xxx ohhh I didnt get to the end bit of my fear of the dark,,,there has been times in my life that my electric had gone out at night and what I usually do is run out the house,but one night when it was about 3am and raining and cold,I stood outside for 45mins,I kept calling up to my daughters but they didnt hear me,,I was having paulpitations and then I had a voice say to me,,,'Do you know the whole time your stood out here with your front door open,,all the bad spirits are going up to your daughters' well that was it,I had to go inside the dark,,ran upstairs to my bedroom and got the torch then lit candles,if it wasnt for that voice I would have stayed outside until morning,or just kept calling my girls until they woke up.My fear was getting worse,I'd be setting candles out in my bedroom before I sleep,I couldnt look in a dark corner without getting scared.
Until few weeks back I started getting brave and when I turned the lights off in the living room,I used to just walk quickly upstairs,,not looking back,,because I felt the dark was watching me,,,,I started to look back into the living room and adjusting my eyes to the dark,this went on for a couple more weeks leading to last week and my encounter with George and co,,it was like the fear has just vanished,,I went bed without the toilet light on,just had my 2 night lights in my bedroom,,and I looked into the dark,,and my fear has gone.The next day I visited a friend and I went outside to have a ciggy and looked up into the sky and watched the clouds,,,I then saw a cloud that was gliding rather than moving and this brought back memories of being in rehab last year where I saw a group of stars move,,,ahhhh,,I said to them,,,thats a clever shield and chuckled to myself,,,but this cloud was another cloaking device and yet again I said,,very clever,,then I had this long cloud come along with a mans face on the front of it,,I giggled,,,then said thats cool,,,and another plz,,then I saw what looked to be nonhuman face,,I said,,yeh,,ok,,thats cool,,,another? but they didnt show anymore faces,,,they showed me a cloud of half a horse,the front half and it was moving backwards,,,well that made me laugh,,I knew they were playing a game with me,,,then I saw about 100 little bubble lights sparkling,,,they were saying bye,,,I said,,,thats a lovely way to say goodbye.They are helping me and as long as I know they are above me I know Im safe
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I dont expect anyone to believe me and the words I write but this is a place where I can at least write and more people see what I say,and maybe one day I'll get an answer to my problems.
Ive just watched the possession of Emily Rose and there was a few things in the film that really hit me,and it brought back memory's of what happened to me in rehab last year.I cant recall when I started saying to staff that I was petrified of Hitler strangling me while I sleep and Oliver Cromwell suffercating me in my sleep,I think it has been the last 4 years,,I normally get sectioned in the September and I feel so much fear and evil around me,but when your in a place like icu in a mental hosptial we dont get heard.Last year I saw a Priest and told him what was going on with me and then the next day he was gonna perform an exorcism to release Hitler and Oliver,,he said he didnt believe that they were who I said they were.Anyhow we sat down and it was just him and myself and (them) he started reading a prayer and all I remember was it was like I was sitting behind myself but in my own mind,,its so weird how I felt but like an onlooker,,,Father Peter carried on reading this prayer and I know I screwed my face up and my mouth and muttered something through the gap in my mouth,,,,he didnt want to go but he said he was sorry,,he didnt want to leave me,,but he did,,,God I bet some think Im bonkers in here,,but if I wanna write a book Ive gotta start opening up.Anyway Hitler was released from me and as soon as he went I cried and cried and it hurt my heart,,I think he had been inside for a very long time and sorta filled a gap in my heart,,but the gap was black,and not love.It felt very empty.Then it was Olivers turn to come out,,I cant remember if Father Peter read the same prayer but he was much harder to come out,,he wasnt sorry,I felt the evil just pierce Father Peters eyes,,,he cast him out but I know hes gone elsewhere,,Hitler said he was sorry and I felt he was going to Heaven.
Well now I think different,,as I said I watched Emily Roses film and I was curious after about her so looked on the web and found a site that said about her demons,,,omg,,one was Hitler,,,nobody in my life,my family,my friends believe this could ever happen,,it only happens in the movies.I really think either they both have been with me since I was 18 in Spain,or I still have more inside and Ive learnt to live with them there and control them,,I dont know what to think,,I cant express anger,I cant express love,,only in rehab,,it all comes out in there,,one big blow out of emotions,,,,since I didnt get sectioned this Sept my emotions are coming back,my memory also.People in my family think Im ill if I express any kind of anger,,or if Im pissed off,,or show any effection,,,Ive surpressed myself into what they want me to be and Ive gotta make a stand,,for the first time in my life to all of them,,to let me live and be myself,,,they dont like spiritual,,Im all about spiritual.
I dont know how this is gonna effect people here,,because its not what you hear everyday,but I can assure you even if you dont believe this,,,I do 100% its happened to me,and it needs to be sorted once and for all.
Im gonna contact Father Peter tomorrow to see if I have anymore living inside me.
Sorry if Ive made a mistake by telling this story or scared anyone..its a bit unreal I know,but Im truthful.
Oh and I forgot to mention when I was 5 or 6 me and my sister was in my grandads house in Godmanchester it was early in the morning and me and my sister found ourselves trapped under the blankets,,we shouted,screamed for ages,we couldnt get out,,,then my grandad comes in and just casually lifts the blankets without any trouble.
Found out many years later that my grandads house was one of the hideouts for Oliver Cromwell.
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Im seeing a psycholigist for the first time in my years of having a mental illness on the 5th,,last year a trainee psycholigist came out to me and was very interested in the things I had to say but I was never told I'd be able to see a fully qualified one.Since my mind has become stronger the last few months,Ive been having some of the same delusional visions? thoughts? without the manic side taking over and I finally think my mind has become that strong to 'handle' whatever Im told,whatever I feel,whatever I see.I couldnt help but tell people what was going on in my mind,and what I was seeing/hearing,,to me it was awesome to know these things and I just wanted at least 1 person in my family or in my hometown to be with me,or get hold of me and say,,Look,,Nick,,,this part isnt reality,,but that bit you say,,well Ive heard that before,,,no nick,,your not mad,,just very confused...If I talk about aliens to anyone,,God,,Im insane,,If I talk about ghosts talking to me,,God Insane,,If I say I can communicate with another race from another planet,,Ive been watching to much Star Trek.
Only God Knows who I am,what Im here for,my Destiny.If people that have a mental illness and goes insane with that but comes out of it A ok,,then all I can say is,,Ive had insight to myself,to life.I try and help everyone in rehab that thinks they really are 'crazy' I turn that around and tell them some truths about The System in there,,,I can guide others where I was at the beginning of my testing time.Maybe this insanity is meant to be with some,,,it surely opens minds and eyes to alot of things.
One of the things I wanna be able to do next year is to talk to students in my local school about drugs and mental illness,,,more and more teenagers are being hospitalized now and to me The Devil is lapping that up,,hes getting hold of more people in these days than ever,and I wanna help stop that.If I can talk to 100 students and scare the shit out of them,,to the extent where Im allowed to that is,,,and it stops a handful from taking drugs,,,that is success and the others that still attempt taking drugs,,they will only see later on that what Ive said is truth and they will think about that and maybe then get so scared of carrying on taking drugs,,they'll stop.
If the Goverment really wanted to clamp down on people using drugs and selling and some going 'mental' then ffs they could,,,they control the damn law.And I think the Devil controls them!
Anyway as I said Im seeing this psycholigist on the 5th,Im a bit apprehensive as I dont know if some things I say will cause him concern and then tell my spychiatrist,,opps,,mispelt,,psychiatrist then he'll be round firing all sorts of questions,,and they are so swavy,,and if we show anger towards them,,,we need hospital.
We are 'NOT' allowed to show anger in rehab,,we are 'NOT' allowed to disrespect staff,,,,lol,,,but its ok for them to us.We get treated like children,,we get pinned down,,if we shout,and injected,,,these places are so wrongly manned.
I had a big filefax in my mind and the wrong papers in the wrong slots,,,now they are in the right slots,and I can open them when needed,,Thank God I have now some control over my own mind.
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Embrace the knowledge inside your mind,serenity is the key you need to find inside the maze that earth unwinds.
1yr old
When I first started going for my holidays in rehab I knew some kind of higher being was talking to me,I always said it was God until last week,,,,and Im not in the manic stage just quite normal now 
but last week I had such a message that noway can I doubt anymore,,we on earth doubt so much,,oh and they said we cant have self pity in this world if we are to evolve into a better race,,nomore anger.
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